It Is Hard Getting in the Holiday Season When it is 100 Degrees in Your Apartment

I just bought $30 worth of baking supplies at Whole Foods and have spent the past two hours churning out sugar cookies like a Keebler Elf on crystal meth. Because I get carried away with things like this, I even ran down the street for a bottle of vanilla extract that was probably manufactured in the 1940s (it refers to "youngsters" on the bottle) to make my own frosting. I also bought organic magenta and neon green sprinkles, only to realize at the very end that I have probably eaten about a bowl's worth of frosting and that my little pot of green sprinkles is responsible for the odd, lingering scent of freshly mown grass that has been bothering me for the past two hours. I will force everyone at my holiday party to eat five of these things.

Success

"How was your day?"
"I can't figure out if I have health insurance and I still have about 50 pages of UN documentation to read tonight to figure out what it's like to be transgender in Cote d'Ivoire."
"I spent all day with a registered sex offender."
"We should go back to our high school and show them what you can achieve when you work hard."

File This Under Things I Don't Need Right Now

Ugh, I hope I don't have bedbugs. This would actually ruin my life. I'm nervous because the apartment downstairs is getting sprayed tomorrow, and I noticed a bunch of tiny, itchy welts on my arm when I was in DC this weekend. This is the first time in my life that I've prayed that there's a nest of brown recluses in my bed.

We're 1/10 of the Way to Victory!

So Uganda just dropped the death penalty and life imprisonment for homosexuality, which is objectively good for the human rights regime and also validates about 100 hours of my life. The downside is that the bill is still pretty terrible, and a lot of the groups who had been fighting it because it was crazy repressive might not be quite as invested now that it's just extremely repressive and not straight-up killing everybody. If you or anyone you know is a member of Uganda's Parliament, I'd like to go on record as saying that I still don't think this is a very good idea.

Biometrics

The most useful thing about having a lazy eye is that when someone at a party is like, "you have beautiful eyes," you can be like, that is objectively false and now I have to go because that's the tell that you're trying to get in my pants. This is especially telling when you've already made many, many awkward attempts to desexualize the conversation:

"You have such thick hair."
"I think it's actually just windy outside."

"I love that shirt on you."
"Oh. Blue is the only color that makes my skin look normal."

"You're so skinny - what size are your jeans?"
"Meh, I bought them abroad. I don't think they have a size."

I'm lucky that I'm dating David because I just realized that I'm kind of a bitch at parties.

Meh, Sounds About Right

I put all the bare facts of my life on Facebook, and this is what some supercomputer decides I need.

Hibernation

I decided that today was my last day of running in the morning in Central Park, partially because a) it was cold and I can't be bothered to buy actual running clothes, and b) it is December, and running in December makes Al Gore cry. Instead, I'm planning to trade running for sleeping for an extra 45 minutes every morning. I'm not exactly sure how these things are comparable, except that bears seem to do this and I'm not about to pick any fights with bears.