Thursday, 31 December 2009

Limping Into 2010

So because I'm theoretically on vacation this week, I decided that I would only do work from 10-2 and 5-6 and that in between, I could totally chill out enough to go ice skating in Central Park with David. Two things: David is a better ice skater than I am, even though I grew up on the prairie and am theoretically bred for excellence where flatness and subzero temperatures are concerned. Also, my skates ended up slicing into the back of my ankles, and now I have a bloody hole on one leg that had better not get infected because I have no idea whether I have health insurance and will probably just end up amputating it myself. Or I will make Joe Lieberman do it. But it did feel nice to leave the apartment and settle down for a little bit, especially because the north side of Central Park is beautiful in the winter. It kind of made me want to try running around the perimeter of the park in the spring - I already easily run from 59th to 80th and back again, so with enough practice, I feel like that is not an unreasonable goal. Or it is an unreasonable goal, but that is what New Year's Resolutions are all about.

Speaking of which, my resolutions for 2010:

1) I'm going to keep up the vegetarianism, which I am going to overlay with a greater emphasis on whole foods and fewer baked goods and artificial ingredients. The exception is Luna Bars, because I have about two dozen of them stashed in a drawer and my men's vitamins don't give me the estrogen I need to live my daily life.
2) I'm also going to try to be less self-centered - I'm going to be less self-promoting, do things where I receive absolutely no credit, and be more thoughtful towards others. This seems vague, but there are specific, actionable ways that I want to do this. (Joining Twitter last month seems counterproductive in this respect, but whatever.)
3) Try running around Central Park, because I'll either be proud of myself or learn an important lesson about not making impulsive, potentially grueling resolutions, and I basically win either way.

Friday, 25 December 2009

Silent Night

Nothing kills Christmas like when your grandmother causally asks how your job is going and you misinterpret this as an invitation to talk about genocide and homophobia in Uganda for a full five minutes. Merry Christmas, folks.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Quote of the Day

Somehow, I only do quotes of the day when I'm home in Fargo:

"You should try this juice. It's awesome."
"I don't believe juice can be awesome."
"Okay, fine. The major drawback is having to cover up your erection afterwards."

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

The Fall of Man

I'm having a terrible day, and spent my morning laundering, vacuuming, bagging, and sterilizing everything in my apartment while trying to set up two events for work and then dragging everything across two boroughs only to get stuck in a bus door and yelled at by the driver. This is one of those days where every part of my life is kind of going badly.

Now, I'm at LaGuardia, where every flight so far has been overbooked and it sounds like we're being delayed for an hour, which will almost certainly make me miss my flight at O'Hare and probably spend the night in the airport. There is like no food in this terminal because LaGuardia was designed by M.C. Escher and the TSA, the airline employees are yelling at passengers and each other, a very loud and uncomfortable racial episode just broke out at Gate C11, the bathroom is so gross that I went in the disabled stall and justified it because I am emotionally disabled, and my 20 min. of free internet courtesy of Lufthansa are about to run out. If this is the last you hear from me as this devolves into presocial anarchy, know that it's been fun.

Monday, 21 December 2009

Why My Partner is Not a Rapper

My humps, my humps /
My humps are on fire /
Get into my trunk!

- Yesterday, on the subway platform on 59th and 5th.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

It Is Hard Getting in the Holiday Season When it is 100 Degrees in Your Apartment

I just bought $30 worth of baking supplies at Whole Foods and have spent the past two hours churning out sugar cookies like a Keebler Elf on crystal meth. Because I get carried away with things like this, I even ran down the street for a bottle of vanilla extract that was probably manufactured in the 1940s (it refers to "youngsters" on the bottle) to make my own frosting. I also bought organic magenta and neon green sprinkles, only to realize at the very end that I have probably eaten about a bowl's worth of frosting and that my little pot of green sprinkles is responsible for the odd, lingering scent of freshly mown grass that has been bothering me for the past two hours. I will force everyone at my holiday party to eat five of these things.

Monday, 14 December 2009


"How was your day?"
"I can't figure out if I have health insurance and I still have about 50 pages of UN documentation to read tonight to figure out what it's like to be transgender in Cote d'Ivoire."
"I spent all day with a registered sex offender."
"We should go back to our high school and show them what you can achieve when you work hard."

File This Under Things I Don't Need Right Now

Ugh, I hope I don't have bedbugs. This would actually ruin my life. I'm nervous because the apartment downstairs is getting sprayed tomorrow, and I noticed a bunch of tiny, itchy welts on my arm when I was in DC this weekend. This is the first time in my life that I've prayed that there's a nest of brown recluses in my bed.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

We're 1/10 of the Way to Victory!

So Uganda just dropped the death penalty and life imprisonment for homosexuality, which is objectively good for the human rights regime and also validates about 100 hours of my life. The downside is that the bill is still pretty terrible, and a lot of the groups who had been fighting it because it was crazy repressive might not be quite as invested now that it's just extremely repressive and not straight-up killing everybody. If you or anyone you know is a member of Uganda's Parliament, I'd like to go on record as saying that I still don't think this is a very good idea.

Monday, 7 December 2009


The most useful thing about having a lazy eye is that when someone at a party is like, "you have beautiful eyes," you can be like, that is objectively false and now I have to go because that's the tell that you're trying to get in my pants. This is especially telling when you've already made many, many awkward attempts to desexualize the conversation:

"You have such thick hair."
"I think it's actually just windy outside."

"I love that shirt on you."
"Oh. Blue is the only color that makes my skin look normal."

"You're so skinny - what size are your jeans?"
"Meh, I bought them abroad. I don't think they have a size."

I'm lucky that I'm dating David because I just realized that I'm kind of a bitch at parties.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Meh, Sounds About Right

I put all the bare facts of my life on Facebook, and this is what some supercomputer decides I need.

Tuesday, 1 December 2009


I decided that today was my last day of running in the morning in Central Park, partially because a) it was cold and I can't be bothered to buy actual running clothes, and b) it is December, and running in December makes Al Gore cry. Instead, I'm planning to trade running for sleeping for an extra 45 minutes every morning. I'm not exactly sure how these things are comparable, except that bears seem to do this and I'm not about to pick any fights with bears.