So I obviously watched the Telephone video immediately after it came out and I want to say that she is a genius but I am so confused and I'm a little too scared to watch it again. So, breathless and panicked thoughts in stream of consciousness format.
I would not have set this like it was Chicago. Plus Beetlejuice. Plus that rejected web-only spin-off of the L Word. I love that the women in prison closely resemble some of my closest friends. I would get smoldering tobacco glasses but I think they'd violate my boyfriend's no smoking rule. I'm realizing that all of Lady Gaga's videos involve violence against women and sexual exploitation, but I guess that most contemporary music videos involve some form of sexual exploitation in ways that are less thematically relevant and eventually avenged and now I'm having a lot of very complex feelings about the culture I live in. Is my computer broken or is this blinking dance supposed to happen? The lyrics make no sense for this video. Now she's naked and I am so overwhelmed. I am positive they do not let you Bedazzle prison clothes. STOMP DANCE. This is sexy and exploitative all at the same time and I am having so many complicated queer feminist male feelings right now. What is she eating? It kind of seems like a churro? It's Bonnie and Clyde! Is it Dreamgirls? (Everyone who nominated Jennifer Hudson and gave Beyonce the shaft is now certain that they made the right decision.) I love how they are inventing cryptic aphorisms like they are real. Nobody says that line about the cow and deep down I know that this will go viral as a phrase and that makes me so depressed. Ditto for the mirror. KUK? What radio station has four letters, Jesus, try a little harder. And now it is a Polaroid commercial. What is happening? These lyrics do not even make sense in the video - you are in the same car together. And now there are subtitles? And poison with a combination of The Sims icons and Batman sound effects? And, of course, a dance number in a kitchen and Beyonce dressed like a bandleader in a shitty motel room. This sandwich dance is terrible. Who follows up a zombie bathhouse with a poison sandwich dance? Also, who puts honey on pancakes? And how did this turn into a snuff film about Middle America? Is this some sort of commentary on the Tea Party? Is the telephone supposed to be a metaphor? (Okay, Jai Rodriguez is on television. If Jai Rodriguez is employed, this is clearly fictional and that makes me feel better.) I almost missed the puma. And now they're dressed like two distant relatives who have escaped from Grey Gardens. Is it Thelma and Louise? Charlie's Angels? I am so upset right now.