25 Things

I refuse to post these on Facebook and I'm thesising all day, so this is my fake post for today.

1. To date, my proudest accomplishment is still taking 10th place at the Cass County Spelling Bee in sixth grade.

2. I think I’m a mean person. I have to leave the room when people fall down the stairs because I can’t stop laughing and it’s rude.

3. I’m terrified of pigeons and bats. Once, a bat cornered me in a bathroom for a full fifteen minutes and I tried climbing out of the window. We were on the third floor.

4. Alanis Morissette’s “21 Things I Want in a Lover” pretty much exactly describes the 21 things I want in a lover.

5. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I accidentally rhyme.

6. The three worst moments of my life were: 1) when I got into a car accident and sort of trapped a baby in the back of a sedan, 2) when I was mugged twice by the same person, and 3) when I accidentally stabbed Megan Walker in the hand during our Halloween party in second grade and she had to be rushed to the emergency room for stitches. She couldn’t stop crying and was dressed like a clown, and that somehow made it so much worse.

7. I'm still really close with my best friends from junior high and high school, although I’m awful about keeping in touch with the people I care about. I hate talking on the phone and using Skype and don’t answer emails promptly, which may have something to do with this.

8. All of my proudest accomplishments were the direct result of someone else’s low expectations. I applied to Harvard to spite my dermatologist, who told me that I should try for something more realistic.

9. One of my weekly rituals is doing the New York Times crossword on the elliptical on Sundays, and I get irrationally upset when I don’t have time to do it.

10. Once, my ex-boyfriend and I made out in a stairwell in front of Antonin Scalia.

11. I’m so worried about not being able to do everything well that I don’t end up doing anything particularly well.

12. I kind of fetishize domesticity, even though I know this is wrong. I show affection by cooking breakfast for people, and one of my goals in life is to be featured in Vows. I usually don’t share this with strangers, or anyone who I want to take me seriously.

13. I’ve always been a really picky eater, and I still don’t like most cheeses, mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, or condiments of any kind, oil, cream, any salad dressings, or soda. I’ve learned to like oatmeal, eggs, raspberries and blueberries, sweet potatoes, and pasta, but only in the past couple years.

14. I’ve never read anything by Judith Butler in its entirety.

15. I took third place in the girls’ 400 meter relay in fifth grade. It’s a long story.

16. I get along really well with my parents, and I think they’re two of the best people I know. I didn’t realize this was weird until I left for college.

17. In college, I always wanted to be a part-time go-go dancer, but I think I channeled that exhibitionism into blogging. Blogging is like stripping for people with laptops and skinny legs.

18. I’m blind in my left eye, except I can never be called “Left Eye” because the rapper beat me to it and then she died, and now it would be weird.

19. I miss Atomic and Diesel and Hi-Rise more than I miss most people.

20. Every time I see a story about a celebrity in rehab or prison, I think to myself that if I became their best friend, I could probably get their life back on track. I get this savior complex from my mother.

21. My most-watched movie is Bring It On, which I’ve seen over fifty times. It’s not even my favorite movie, but there was a month where Brady and I watched it every day. Sometimes three or four times. I try not to quote the movie, because one of my worst qualities is that I quote lines from movies and TV shows that are really painfully unfunny when you try to explain them to people.

22. I can’t learn languages to save my life, which is a pretty unfortunate quality in someone who wants to do transnational human rights work when they grow up.

23. When I was sixteen, I was the assistant stage manager for a local production of “No Sex Please, We’re British.” I developed a knack for fixing a cowgirl skirt with “Ride ‘Em” emblazoned in lights on the back and a bra with spinning maces on each nipple using duct tape and extra batteries.

24. When I was little, I wanted to grow up to be like Mary Richards on the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

25. I still do.